I did something interesting today. I reconfigured my aunt's computer to work off of cable. The interesting part is that no one else seemed able to do it. The stressful part was my mother and aunt had been hovering over my shoulder the first half hour until they took over. They spent another few hours at it, then went out to play some lotto thingy. That is an obsession or hobby of theirs, do not ask me why for I haven't a clue. Either way it all worked out in the end. They left and five minutes later the cable line worked like lightning. I checked my email, surfed a bit, and finally leaned back and closed my eyes until they got back. It is nothing to say that they were not surprised. And that they only understand some parts of the computer and not others. They kept on telling me what to do, when I had been asked to set it up. I am a weenie, I was too afraid of them ganging up on me to go against what they said, either way more times than not someone ended up taking mr mousy away from me.

I got to go to Beval before I left. What a nice place, yet way past over priced. We came upon it by the grace of God alone. I have been wanting to go there for a few years now. Now I am able to say that I went, and while it was nice, I was not overly impressed.

I found my Ti-89 titanium manual and played with the 3d graphing area. I had been searching for it because I needed to do some linear regressions in the calculator, but i could not figure out how to get the lists to sum up right

Okay below is probably not for all to see, so this is a warning sign right here.......((!!!WARNING!!!)))

I absolutely hate the way I look. The way i always feel over weight. the way my hands and feet turn blue, the way my lips become numb and most likely turn with my phalanges. I hate the way my hair looks dull and brittle as it begins to shed out again. I hate the way that constantly you are berating me. telling me how to live, how to look, how to be. I do not want to die. I do not want perfection. I want to be how I want to be. I want to maintain my goal weight. I want to actually get there. You are killing me! You are satan himself, taunting me constantly. I want to ride again. I can not acheive my goals with you. You are abusive. You are murderous in intent. You deserve far worse than any death penalty. You take my life, you make me lose the things I enjoy. I want to run again, I want to ride forever, I want to try all those things that i wrote in my journal. I want to live so I can make a difference. You want me to satisfy your every need you selfish old lout! Pond scum is so much more intriguing than you. You are a parasite latching yourself on to me, sucking me dry of every last tiny bit. How can you even dare?! May angels rain fire upon you, may heaven have no mercy in its condemnation of you, may you rot in the hell you create. I forbid you from my prescence, in the name of the Almighty, i sanctify this body. I will reach my goal weight, I will maintain it, and I will do the things I love. You will not call me fat, you will not call me a pig. I will never ever become what I fear most, what you fuel in me. I know that that will not be possible. I know that i can and will be able to eat how I want to again. I know that if i restrict my intake, as you jibe me to do, I will not benefit in any way. I know that i probably should not exercise, but how else can i release the hate that has built up inside? the anger? i do not want to lash out at anyone, i do not want to hurt anyone. I want to hurt you. I want you to suffer. I wish you would feel all the pain you have caused me and everyone else you afflict. I will not eat junk food, i will not pig out or binge, i will reach my goal weight healthily. I will get there and not worry about being fat or gaining too much weight because of what you have done to me. I will be who I want to be and look how i want to look. I am who I am, I can not let you change me. I will never be fat. I will never let myself gain weight to the extreme. I will adhere to my goal weight, I will not lose. I will not lose weight to the death. I will not let you kill me either way. I will be me. I will have victory. Heaven's angels will protect me, deflect thee, and may you suffer for eternity.

Micah

Disregard

How can someone say that they will always be there for you, then never even have the slightest descency to actually answer your phone call, various messages, and emails. One should never let their friends judgment influence their own. They need to separate themselves apart from the friend entity and make that stinking judgment for themselves.

How can a child ask for so much? Yet make you the evil one in all the situations? How can she always be the victim, needing rescuing because she can not rescue herself?

Personally I am a rescuer. I will try to fix everything as best as I possibly can, even if it might kill me. Death is not my intention, just making everything "better" so it all works outis what I am aiming for.

But, seriously, how can a person, a true immature teen who had graduated to the 20s 2 and a half years ago, be so disrespectful? So rebellious, ungrateful, and selfish....well the selfish part I can understand, I am admitted very selfish myself. The rebellious arena is understandable also, but the ungrateful in-your-face is not needed. Sometimes I just want to say, "Grow up kid. Its life. It may suck, but you know what? That is for everyone. At least you could try to make it a little better for the rest of us. Hey, who knows? By doing that, you may make your life better too."

Micah

Have you ever seen those freaky dogs in the movies? The ones you don't really see, but you know they are somewhere within the recesses of the travel carrier. Have you seen how the carrier bounces around and shakes as sounds that are sometimes horrifying come from them? Well, guess what folks, I have that dog. He is the one in the picture to the left of the screen. He goes into that bed when we leave the house and, my oh my, the terrifying growls, yaps, barks, whatever you want to call it, starts. If he wasn't locked in I think he would try to tear apart my legs if the way he was reacting is any indication. He barks when he hears the words, "Is someone here?", but what comes from that bed is truly horrific. I wonder if, when we go to the apartment, someone will call animal control on me because of him. I can see myself now explaining that my dog is not rabid, he is just weird. Always has been, always will be.

I do not know why I get so nervous/afraid/freaked out about driving out to Colorado. I think it is because I will be stuck in the car with no outlet for energy/stress/nerves/anger ( I know, I know, i have some major issues) and I had a bad experience once that has deterred me from wanting to go on trips anywhere. Everytime I do I think one thing will happen, then something else altogether happens. But the thing I think will happen has me freaked beyond measure, so as many times as the opposite occurs, it never takes hold and I feel as if item #1 is definitely going to take hold. AH!

Okay, no one on xanga probably knows this, and because no one really reads my site I am going to put it up. I am a horse fanatic. I get like a five year old in a candy store. One of my favorite stores is a tack shop. The other is a bookstore (I am a geek/nerd/whatever it is called nowadays). A pretty athletic bookworm. There that covers it, I think. I love to ride, go to the barn, etc. Most of all I love to jump cross country at high speeds. Its just that I can not do that right now, because of a problem I wish was human so I could beat him to a pulp. Oh well..

Micah

Why doe a person have to fit certain criteria to be accepted by the society we call America? Either you are too fat or you starve yourself, the few that are in between are not far from either side apparently. If you go too far either way "they" step in a take over your life. No more freedom....actually it is possible that there never really was. If everything is regulated to a tidy T, then what can go wrong? Ha! They say you can not be you unless you fit back into their tightly perfected criteria, otherwise you can be you by their standards in instituitions. I am not saying that it happens to everyone. Those who are fortunate enough to live in Nowheresville probably do not have to deal with these things, but then again, Nowheresville most likely does not have any internet, cable, or cell service....only nature huggers would want to be there...and then they would fight to the dirty end to save that little piece of untouched habitation from the over-developers of our lovely nation. Yes, I am being cynical. I want to be cynical. at least, for right now that is. I just want to eat whatever I want without anyone looking over my shoulder, without feeling as if each thing is being monitored by everyone, without having to record everything, choosing whatever I want......oh, how good some of you all out there have it. I want to run, ride, go biking, be active active active without feeling as if the threat of being put away again is looming near. They said to try to not focus on the number, but how can a person not focus when everything they love to do depends on that &*%$#$^ number. If America is supposed to be free, don't you think everyone would just butt out of everyone else's lives? currently my life feels 1984ish. I always feel as if someone is watching me, waiting with baited breath to see me screw up and put me away until they can reform my psyche and change me into what they choose......It gets hard to want to live when life becomes unlivable. My goal for the rest of the week......eat whatever I want without anyone saying anything to me. Likelihood of that actually happening....I don't know, maybe if someone does not kill me first for doing it. If I don't update by next Wednesday, someone call out the dogs to come find me.....

Here is the wonderful deal---I won't say anything about what you eat/drink/do and You don't say anything about what I eat/drink/do

Micah